[Noisebridge-discuss] Be Excellent to one another

[Meredith L. Patterson]

Al Billings wrote:
> On Oct 29, 2009, at 6:56 AM, Meredith L. Patterson wrote:
>> Al, your privilege is showing, you might wanna go fix that.
> 
> Oh, you can fix privilege?

Nope, but you can fix whether it shows or not.

>> To you, Miah's being thinskinned. To Miah, it hurts. Which one of you 
>> is right? Maybe both of you, but the fact of the matter is that 
>> someone still found it hurtful.
> 
>  I could find that hot dogs exist to be hurtful and get worked up about 
> it. Is it then the problem of the hot dog factory owner? No, it's my 
> problem and my issue.

I regard this situation more along the lines of someone offering Jake a 
fresh, tasty Ball Park frank, being told "no thanks, I'm vegan," and 
then giving him shit about his choice to be vegan. That would be 
decidedly non-excellent, and it is likewise non-excellent to give 
somebody shit about their preferred gender nomenclature once they have 
made it clear what theirs is.

Perhaps Miah is generally upset about the lack of consideration afforded 
to transfolk by, as you put it, mainstream culture; that's as may be, 
but I don't think it's what's really being discussed here. She asked not 
to be called "bro" and was derided for it, and that derision is rude.

> This got escalated way too quickly and for no good reason 
> because people seem more interested in playing victim than in actually 
> understanding what went through the heads of the *assumed* offenders 
> (while, at the same time, demanding others understand their own point of 
> view absolutely).

I agree that Miah and Jesse both reacted harshly. I agree that the 
magnitude of their reactions escalated the situation. I even think that 
if I had been in their shoes, I wouldn't have reacted as strongly -- but 
despite my own non-standard gender identity[1], I'm not in either of 
their positions, and I've only rarely had to deal with the day-to-day 
frustrations of, as Jesse mentioned, being in a body that doesn't pass 
for the gender I identify as. I have to imagine that it's pretty 
frustrating, though, and if I made such a faux pas, I would apologise 
for it.

And, as I write this, Miah has expanded in depth on her perspective, so 
I'll leave off this subthread, as I prefer not to speak about how others 
feel when they've already done so themselves.

> I'm not going to apologize to someone because they cloak themselves in 
> the mantle of victimhood and say people hurt them with innocuous things. 
> That's on them, not on others.

So, earlier when I said "your privilege is showing"? This is what I 
meant. The fact that you can dismiss another's pain as not "genuine 
enough" and expect to be agreed with is the textbook definition.

C'mon, Al. I thought they taught you better than that in Buddhist 
school. Who designated you the arbiter of what someone else is feeling?

Furthermore, if someone tells you, "What you said hurt me," what harm 
does it do you to tell them you're sorry and set a mental flag to not 
say that around them anymore? You're making it sound as if treating 
people the way they would like to be treated requires some kind of 
herculean effort on your part. It doesn't cost money, it doesn't cost 
appreciable time, it doesn't require physical effort, and the only thing 
it could possibly hurt is your ego.

> It isn't compassionate to enable people in dysfunctional behavior. It's 
> just coddling. We're adults here, let's act like it and quit being so 
> reactive when someone does something with no intent of harm.

So does that mean if I accidentally do something that really upsets the 
hell out of you, and you tell me that you're upset, and I tell you to 
grow up because you shouldn't have to be coddled, you seriously mean to 
tell you that my dismissive response wouldn't upset you more?

--mlp

[1] No, I'm not trans. I'm not cis either. I'm racemic. I also have an 
unusually deep voice for someone who is biologically female, and get 
called "sir" on the phone all the time. Pronoun-wise I prefer "she", 
will not get upset at "he", but really don't like "they".