[Noisebridge-discuss] I got groped at noisebridge at hackmeet

[Susan Werner]

TL;DR this email is incredibly hostile, harmful, and deeply condescending 
and paternalistic. Read down to see why!

On Oct 26 10:16, Sai <noisebridge at saizai.com> wrote:
> Susan -
> 
> I was at Hackmeet (pic: saizai.com). I won't speak for anyone else
> there, but a couple points that hopefully may be helpful for you.
> 
> Let me start off with the obvious: I'm really sorry that happened to
> you. It's obviously something we need to address so that it doesn't
> happen again and so we can take corrective action on this specific
> situation if possible.
> 
> 
> 0. tl;dr version:
> 
> I don't think that hacker culture in general, or Noisebridge's
> particularly anarchist / maker / queerfriendly variant thereof,
> condones social hostility to newbies. But it does unfortunately suck a
> lot at being proactively inclusive. Plus we have the same cognitive
> and perceptual issues as anyone else, which impair our ability to act
> on unexpected situations.

lol @ calling noisebridge "queerfriendly". I'm queer and noisebridge 
has been anything /but/ friendly. I keep hearing of women, queer and not,
being harassed at noisebridge, so it doesn't really make sense to call 
somewhere full of misogyny queer-friendly. Fuck queer-friendly. I want to be
treated and included like a fucking human.  

There is deeply entrenched hostility to newcomers (see, I managed to use a word
that isn't pejorative, unlike "newbies") in hacker culture, and noisebridge is
a good example of it. Newcomers are regularly seen as people to be hazed and 
excluded. Hazing, as always, tends to involve humiliation, being torn down as 
a person behind your back, and violation of your privacy and boundaries. 

Again, that time my right boob got grabbed was NOT ACONTEXTUAL. It was deeply
linked to that person seeing me as someone alone, in distress, and not being 
looked at...and you know what? All of those make it easier to get away with 
groping someone w/o consent. Being alone means nobody who was looking. It means
that there won't be someone obvious who can intervene. It means bystander 
effect being a very strong thing. Me being in distress means I'm already 
overwhelmed and unable to respond. It means that maybe I didn't even see this 
person's face and am thus unable to recognize them. Nobody looking specifically
at me, you guessed it, means less chance of being seen groping me. 

All of this means that this guy can grope me and not fear any consequences for
it, for the simple reason he won't get identified. However, all of this is 
also *direct* consequences of hostility to newcomers. Hostility to newcomers is
not just a thing, it's an endemic pattern that enables sexual assault.

> So, two suggestions for you:
> a) In the future, please approach an organizer, oldbie, or someone who
> just seems kind and tell them what happened ASAP. Once action is
> started, I think we're a lot better at responding; the problems are in
> realizing that there's a problem and acting on that realization.

Oh! Thanks! That fixes everything! Nobody would get sexually assaulted if they
told someone who ~*~seems kind~*~ after it happened!!! My stupid laydee brain
didn't know that I could do that! Oh, just so you know, there are often reasons
people can't report sexual assault, like, y'know, fear of retaliation or 
inability to identify who did it. In this case...I don't know who did it for 
the simple reason I BARELY SAW THIS DUDE'S FACE. 

 
> b) If you can identify the person who groped you now, try to do so,
> and convey that privately to a small number of people who can act on
> it; I named several people below who were there that I would
> personally trust for this. Mitch Altman is also an excellent person to
> contact; he has the unusual combination of very high social standing,
> great hacker ethic/skills, and amazing personal warmth. He's usually
> there on Mondays IIRC.
> 
> 
> … and three for everyone else:
> a) If you've been around enough to know a significant proportion of
> the NB community and space, and you see someone you don't know, please
> get up, introduce yourself, offer them a tour of the space, and offer
> to introduce them to people or projects they'd enjoy.
> 
> b) If you see someone who looks distraught, please approach them
> gently and ask what's wrong and if there's anything you can do to
> help. If you're not comfortable doing that, please ask one of the more
> empathic members of the community to do so.
> 
> c) If you see something that might have been creepy and might not; or
> you hear anyone getting told they're not welcome 'cause they're a noob
> or the like, please a) immediately ask the target of the possible
> creepiness whether that was okay and if not take appropriate action,
> b) tell the person who's being an asshole to the newbie that they're
> being an asshole, and offer to hook up the newbie with a non-asshole
> they could talk/work with.
> 
> 
> … and explanations:
> 
> 1. Culturally speaking, I don't think it's true that we actually
> defend or support actions of the sort you describe. This is Hanlon's
> Razor at work, or the Genovese effect / bystander effect.

Explain all the misogynistic hate mail I received on and off list. Explain all
the women who email me off-list to say they've experienced the same shit I did.
Explain to me all the women who tell me off-list that this why they avoid 
noisebridge. Culturally speaking, y'alls (with exceptions, of course. not 
everyone supports this, but noisebridge-as-a-whole does) /do/ defend and support
the actions I describe. 

> Personally I try very intentionally to overcome those — and as a
> result I've often been the only person in a crowd to initiate action,
> eg when someone needed medical help — but it's hard to overcome the
> psychological resistance to action, both for you as the assaultee and
> for the people around you.
> 
> That doesn't mean we *condone* it, only that we (like most people)
> kinda suck both at noticing that something is wrong and that we need
> to initiate action to address it immediately.
> 
> The problem is — as it often is in similar situations, sadly for too
> many friends of mine who have been victims of assault — that
> a) to someone who doesn't know you or the person who touched you, the
> situation may *look* ambiguous
> 
> e.g. it may be possible you have a sexual relationship with the person
> who touched you and this is just normal touch between you; they may
> not have seen that the person was touching your breast was actually
> doing that, rather than just a pat on the shoulder or the like
> 
> Mind that I am not offering these as excuses for your assailant's
> behavior — only as explanations for why someone viewing it might not
> realize that it was an assault rather than a normal friendly
> interaction. It's a natural tendency for people to latch on to
> ambiguity and find reasons to not act; it's an unfortunate one, and
> one that causes bad effects like in your case, but it's not malicious.
> 
> b) they may not even have seen it at all :-/
> 
> What you describe sounds like it happened in a couple seconds, total.
> Because you were crying both before and after, someone would have to
> have seen the incident to realize that immediate action needed to take
> place.
> 
> 
> 2. Regarding sensing people as being hostile if you don't already have
> social connections: honestly, this is a bit of a problem for me as
> well.
> 
> My history with the space is, shall we say, very mixed (I'd rather not
> dig up that drama, so if you know what I'm referencing please just let
> it be). As a result, I've never really felt at home at NB, though I
> enjoy it anyway. I try to overcome this by initiating conversations,
> joining ones that seem interesting, wearing my "hi let's talk" shirt
> so people feel more comfortable approaching me, etc. Unfortunately, I
> tend to get very dissociative very quickly if I'm feeling alone among
> a crowd.

Not everyone /can/ join conversations that seem interesting successfully. 
I tried that. I got told to fuck off and go away. Hell, most of the time, 
I can't even do that. 

> So I can empathize with not feeling welcome, and with there being a
> high bar of initiative to becoming included in what's going on —
> especially when you're also trans. FYI, we have a number of trans
> community members and it may help if you connect with them for
> support. I also have several trans friends who aren't part of NB but
> are definitely part of the larger hacker community, both in and out of
> the SF Bay Area, and could introduce you if you want.

Let me get this straight. I report being sexually harassed, and you proceed
to out me as trans. That's dangerous, violent, and irreversible. Wow. You do 
realize that that poses a direct threat to my safety, right? No, having trans
friends does not entitle you to out other people as trans because *nothing* 
does. I did not consent for you to out me. I DID NOT CONSENT TO THIS. You've
gone a level above all the misogynistic hatemail I've gotten. You've gone above
groping me. Well done. You've managed to make feel less welcome at noisebridge
that some random white dude GRABBING MY BOOB.  

> That said, if people actually *told* you to fuck off because you
> didn't know anyone, that's also definitely *not* acceptable behavior
> (unless perhaps it was a personal conversation about private matters,
> but that's relatively rare in the space).
> 
> Yeah, it's an anarchy, we tolerate a lot of assholery, and we don't
> *force* people to be inclusive and all that, but I think on the whole
> we *want* to make sure new people feel included, respected, invited.

Blah blah your manarchism is boring and shitty. Funny how your anarchy involves
implementing rape culture to the fucking letter...

> We used (2 years ago) to have a convention that anyone who looked new
> was offered a tour of the space on the spot; I've personally given
> that tour dozens of times. I dunno if it's still in practice. It
> really helps break the ice so that you know at least a few people, and
> if you take the opportunity to express interests in things you like, a
> good tour guide oldbie should also be able to introduce you personally
> to people you'd like to talk to.
> 
> Again, this is something I'd be happy to do, but it's been long enough
> that I just don't know most of the people there any more; they're
> almost all new since I last was there regularly. :-/
> 
> I would encourage reviving this practice, though. If you've been
> around long enough that you recognize a significant number of people,
> and you see someone you don't recognize, go up to them, introduce
> yourself, ask if they would like a tour or would like to be introduced
> to people they would enjoy talking / collaborating with. (If you
> *don't* feel like you've been around long enough, but nobody else is
> doing it, then you should do it anyway.) It's a really simple thing,
> and I think improves the social situation dramatically.
> 
> It also has the side effect of improving group responsiveness to
> incidents like Susan's — because she becomes less anonymous (thus more
> likely to be casually monitored for OK-ness); because witnesses are
> more likely to understand enough context to be interpret what they see
> less ambiguously, and thus have less barrier to acting; and because
> she would feel more comfortable approaching someone when she feels
> threatened or assaulted.
> 
> 
> 3. I know that it's really hard to do when you're feeling excluded to
> begin with and you have just been assaulted, but unfortunately the
> only way we can really deal with this kind of situation — unless
> someone sees it happen, realizes what it was, and immediately acts —
> is for you to report it to someone who will take charge.
> 
> I'm glad that you had the courage to do so afterwards by email; that's
> a good step. If this ever happens again, you can do so in person
> during the event, that'd be helpful. It'd also be helpful to identify
> who exactly the person was, so that we can take further action (find
> who might have seen it, get their side of it, decide what if any
> sanction is necessary to ensure it doesn't happen again).
> 
> It's been a couple years since I was last at Noisebridge regularly;
> honestly I don't even recognize 90% of the people who were at
> Hackmeet.
> 
> I can say that I do know the Hackmeet organizers to be reliable and to
> really care about these issues. Liz Henry, Danny O'Brien, and Leif
> Ryge would also be excellent people to approach; they're both
> extremely compassionate and very willing to kick some ass if
> necessary. (I'd be happy to help handle it as well, but I'm not around
> often.)
> 
> If possible, it's better to do ASAP, because then memories are fresh,
> we can get info from anyone who may've seen it, and we can easily
> identify who did it because they're still there. A fact of the space
> is that random people do come in all the time (especially for an event
> like hackmeet), so we might just not be able to identify them if
> they're not present to point at. :-/
> 
> Please understand that I am definitely *not* saying that it's your
> fault, that you're misrepresenting your experience, that it's entirely
> on you to take action, or that we can't do more to help.
> 
> I personally didn't see you crying, but if someone had, an early
> intervention that would've been helpful would be to come up to you and
> ask if there's anything we can do to help. (And if you see someone
> crying but feel uncomfortable being that someone, you should go ask
> someone like Liz Henry who *is*.) That would've been an opportunity to
> make you feel less alienated, to introduce you to people you'd enjoy
> talking and working with, and to make sure that you had social
> monitoring so that the assault would've been either prevented or
> noticed and acted upon.
> 
> 
> I hope that you reconsider your opinion of the space and culture
> overall, and give it another shot in a way that helps you feel more
> socially included and cared for.
> 
> Yes, we have assholes in our midst, same as everywhere (perhaps more
> so; hacker culture does tend towards introvertedness and harshness).
> They do not represent us.

Maybe if y'alls spent more time actually tackling all the shit in your
shitty subculture rather than disavowing it, you'd be less shitty?
this email addresses that sort of shit pretty well:
https://www.noisebridge.net/pipermail/noisebridge-discuss/2012-October/033185.html

> And yes, we too — even the subset of us who are explicitly activists,
> queer-friendly, safe-space trained, etc! — have the same cognitive
> biases as all humans that makes it hard to recognize and initiate
> action in response to an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes you'll
> have to meet us halfway in helping make sure we know about problems
> that are happening so that we can organize a group response. (IMO
> nonconsensual groping is an immediate expulsion offense at the least.)
> 
> But that's not representative of our values as a whole. Exclusion,
> abuse, and hostility to newcomers are *not* condoned nor are they
> intentional malice on the part of the larger community; rather,
> they're known, old bugs that we're always working on.

When exclusion, abuse, and hostility to newcomers is so pervasive and endemic
and nobody does anything to fight it (rather preferring to circlejerk about 
how to best keep poor people and newcomers out of noisebridge), it /is/ 
representative of your values.

> Sincerely (and hopefully helpfully / nondramaflamey),
> Sai
> 

You're a dangerous paternalistic jerk, Sai.

-- 
Susan