[Noisebridge-discuss] I got groped at noisebridge at hackmeet

[Sai]

On Fri, Oct 26, 2012 at 2:26 PM, Susan Werner <heinousbutch at gmail.com> wrote:
> lol @ calling noisebridge "queerfriendly". I'm queer and noisebridge
> has been anything /but/ friendly. I keep hearing of women, queer and not,
> being harassed at noisebridge, so it doesn't really make sense to call
> somewhere full of misogyny queer-friendly. Fuck queer-friendly. I want to be
> treated and included like a fucking human.

I'd like that too, y'know. And for the record, I'm also queer, I have
various queer friends at NB, and while individual assholes have been
assholes, I've never seen queerbashing in any form tolerated by the
community as a whole.

> There is deeply entrenched hostility to newcomers (see, I managed to use a word
> that isn't pejorative, unlike "newbies") in hacker culture, and noisebridge is
> a good example of it.

To me "newbie" is neutral and "noob" is the pejorative. However, I'll
adopt your usage with you to prevent misunderstanding.

> Newcomers are regularly seen as people to be hazed and
> excluded. Hazing, as always, tends to involve humiliation, being torn down as
> a person behind your back, and violation of your privacy and boundaries.

I have not seen people do this intentionally, nor would I consider it
acceptable.

> Again, that time my right boob got grabbed was NOT ACONTEXTUAL. It was deeply
> linked to that person seeing me as someone alone, in distress, and not being
> looked at...and you know what? All of those make it easier to get away with
> groping someone w/o consent. Being alone means nobody who was looking. It means
> that there won't be someone obvious who can intervene. It means bystander
> effect being a very strong thing. Me being in distress means I'm already
> overwhelmed and unable to respond. It means that maybe I didn't even see this
> person's face and am thus unable to recognize them. Nobody looking specifically
> at me, you guessed it, means less chance of being seen groping me.

I fully agree with all of that. That's why one of my suggestions was
that we revive the practice of making sure that people are introduced
around, to have social contacts, have mutual monitoring for OK-ness,
etc.

I said that pretty explicitly… :-/

> All of this means that this guy can grope me and not fear any consequences for
> it, for the simple reason he won't get identified. However, all of this is
> also *direct* consequences of hostility to newcomers. Hostility to newcomers is
> not just a thing, it's an endemic pattern that enables sexual assault.

I agree that newcomers not having adequate social support, welcome,
etc *is* something that enables sexual assault, for the exact reasons
you described above and that I described in my email.

I agree that that's a bad thing.

I don't agree that it's intentional, that it's out of malice, or that
the community overall in any way wants that to be the case. Like I
said: it's a known bug, one that we constantly try to fix.

> Oh! Thanks! That fixes everything! Nobody would get sexually assaulted if they
> told someone who ~*~seems kind~*~ after it happened!!!

Obviously, no, it wouldn't stop the assault. It would help to stop the
person from doing it again; I know it's not a great consolation when
you're feeling violated, but it's at least something.

> I don't know who did it for
> the simple reason I BARELY SAW THIS DUDE'S FACE.

Which is actually part of why faster action is better here. Sure, you
didn't get a perfect ID; that's normal and I'm not blaming you for it.
Being assaulted is quite understandably shocking and it's not like you
were sitting there with a camera ready.

But you might've seen *something*, like clothes or gait or anything
(that would change by the next day but can be identified if the
person's still there), someone else might remember the situation more
clearly or seen some other part of it, etc. Memory and the ability to
act on it, unfortunately, degrades very quickly. :-/

> Explain all the misogynistic hate mail I received on and off list. Explain all
> the women who email me off-list to say they've experienced the same shit I did.
> Explain to me all the women who tell me off-list that this why they avoid
> noisebridge. Culturally speaking, y'alls (with exceptions, of course. not
> everyone supports this, but noisebridge-as-a-whole does) /do/ defend and support
> the actions I describe.

A minority of particularly vocal assholes do this. They especially do
so in private, because they know the larger culture wouldn't sanction
their behavior and because that way it's easier to prey on someone
who's vulnerable.

It's a sad fact that any women online get harassed a *lot*. Mind, I'm
not excusing it — I'm not saying "you should just tolerate abuse" —
but it's not NB-specific.

Several of my female friends who are eg visible bloggers get harassed
on a daily basis, get inappropriate comments all the time, etc.

We can't always prevent it, but we don't condone it, and we do try to
change the culture (and connectedness) to both help people like you
have more support, and to help change the views of people who do this
so that they don't.

I'd point to community leaders like Mitch and Liz as good exemplars of
people trying hard to make this change.

> Not everyone /can/ join conversations that seem interesting successfully.
> I tried that. I got told to fuck off and go away. Hell, most of the time,
> I can't even do that.

I'm sorry that happened. I made one suggestion to help this — having
people intentionally try to introduce newcomers directly to other
people they'd get along with.

I'm sure we could do more for that, though I don't know what — do you
have any suggestions?

There's a difference, though, between feeling uncomfortable joining a
conversation — FWIW, I experience that all the time — and someone
actually telling you in so many words to fuck off. The latter is not
OK. Hacker culture can be very harsh when it comes to expecting people
to learn on their own if they have the means to do so, but what you
describe is way over the line into cliquish hostility. Again, I'd
encourage you to let someone know about it as it happens, so that it
can be addressed.

> Let me get this straight. I report being sexually harassed, and you proceed
> to out me as trans.

I sincerely apologize; I did not realize you weren't out about it, and
I would never have mentioned it if I thought that. I do try hard to
respect others' privacy in all things, especially ones that are the
subject of discrimination.

I knew only because I googled your username, to see if I'd find a
picture that I could use to jog my own memory in case I saw something
I'd forgotten. Most of the top google hits explicitly mention your
being trans, thus I assumed that you were openly trans under the
identity you are using for your email.

I mentioned it only in order to underscore that trans is *fine* and
transphobia is not, and to help connect you socially in this context
with people who have been through similar issues — i.e. the very thing
that we were just above agreeing is one way to address the problems
with making newcomers feel welcome.

> Maybe if y'alls spent more time actually tackling all the shit in your
> shitty subculture rather than disavowing it, you'd be less shitty?

We do try, y'know, and it's disheartening to see that summarily
dismissed. Constructive suggestions for how to improve that are always
welcome and often implemented.

For instance, hackmeet's organizers explicitly adopted and reiterated
an anti-harassment policy (and a very explicit "please tell us, we
*will* enforce this" message during the first segment), in keeping
with the Ada Initiative's recommendations
(http://adainitiative.org/what-we-do/events/ada-initiative-event-anti-harassment-policy/).

Unfortunately, they can't take action against actions they aren't
aware of. Perhaps you have suggestions for how that policy could be
improved to ensure that people like you feel more comfortable
reporting issues to conference organizers so that they have the chance
to do so. If yes, I'd suggest you contact contact at adainitiative.org;
they're good people and are trying hard to improve the culture and
safety of hacker spaces / events.

I also gave some other suggestions for improvements we could make, but
you didn't respond to those; you seem to have just ignored them. :-/



If I may point out one thing that bothers me personally:

I feel like you're attacking me for speaking up, even though I am
explicitly trying to be a constructive, empathetic *ally*. That
dissuades from trying to help again in the future; being emotionally
vulnerable in public I can do, but I'm not masochistic enough to do so
under fire. I've been burned enough.

I'm not perfect, and I can't control or excuse what other people do to
you. I make mistakes, though not from malice or even lack of caring.
So perhaps you don't *want* me as an ally, despite my agreement with
your desires and intention to help fix the problems you point out.

If that's the case, well… I sincerely tried to help, yet it seems to
have had the opposite effect. So I'll not bother you again.

I hope that other community members like Liz can help you feel safe
and welcome better than I, and that I'll see you at a future event.

Sincerely again,
- Sai