[Noisebridge-discuss] Be Excellent to one another

[Miah Johnson]

Ok Al,

Lets look at a few situations I face regularly.

If I go to the store, and make a purchase and the store clerk says  
"thanks sir".

Do you think there was malice behind whats being said?
Do you think this affects me?

Having a discussion with a friend. This friend has only known me since  
I've transitioned and knows I'm trans, but has never met the "male"  
me. During this discussion, he says "miahs a great guy".

Do you think there was malice behind whats being said?
Do you think this affects me?

Now, you think I'm just playing victim here because I was trolling the  
fuck out of the list. You are welcome to believe whatever you want and  
to have whatever opinion you want. I cannot take that away from you. I  
realize at this point that you may not have been trying to jab me in  
the ribs. But considering what was going on, it did feel like an  
attack to me. To me it was along the lines of "shut the fuck up tranny".

Ya, I may have overreacted, but try to understand my situation. I face  
this shit daily, and I don't want to face it here. If I say "hey, what  
you just said offends me, are you picking on me because I'm trans" I  
mean it. I'm not going to play that card unless I mean it.

The answers to the questions above?

For the store clerk, I usually do feel like they are doing it on  
purpose. Yes it affects me, when I'm having a bad week I will probably  
feel quite down, I have definitely shed many tears over these issues.

For the friend, I don't usually feel they are doing it on purpose,  
unless it happens multiple times. If it happens more than once I'll  
generally say something. Either way, yes I notice it. Yes, I have shed  
tears because of it.

Both situations feel like a huge set back to me. Questions like "what  
was I doing to make them think 'male'?" or "do people just see me as a  
huge fucking joke?" are going through my head at the time.

Do you think I want to be posting about this on the list? Do you think  
I want people to even *know* I'm trans? I wish I could be totally  
"stealth" about my situation, but I honestly feel it does no good for  
the community, and I don't want to hide who I am, or my history.

Want another fun story?

On my birthday, after having a awesome lunch with some coworkers I was  
riding the F line to the GLBT center to pickup my mail. A group of  
kids sat near me and the train had many people but there were lots of  
seats empty in other areas. One of the kids sits close to me and  
starts saying "sir" while looking at me. He says this about 5 times,  
each time saying it louder. I ignore him each time. Finally he stands  
up, and steps in front of me. He says "Excuse me, are you male or  
female?" I look at him, and his friends. I replied "I am female". All  
of his friends have huge smiles on their faces and some are laughing.  
One of them then comments "Its a dude". At which point all of them  
start yelling "FAGGOT" at me. This continued for a few minutes, people  
sat and stared. Nobody did anything. Nobody said anything. At the next  
stop, they pushed the emergency exit button and left the train. Happy  
Birthday to me!

http://twitter.com/miah_/status/3745084818

Yes, I remember each time I'm mis-gendered, I remember each time  
somebody calls me a fag. My scar tissue is building up, but I'd rather  
not have any. When you said "bro" to me, I could only think of all of  
these things. Even if you have no malice, it forces me to think of all  
this shit I have to deal with every day. None of you will ever truly  
understand it, but please try.

-Miah

On Oct 29, 2009, at 8:46 AM, Al Billings wrote:

>
> On Oct 29, 2009, at 6:56 AM, Meredith L. Patterson wrote:
>
>> Al Billings wrote:
>>> I think you're projecting a bit, maybe due to oversensitivity.
>>
>> Al, your privilege is showing, you might wanna go fix that.
>
>  Oh, you can fix privilege? All this time, I've been told that I
> can't fix it and that I just have it. Do tell how white, male,
> heterosexuals can "fix" their privilege.
>
>  People should be trying to build allies, not pointing fingers, if
> they think that mainstream culture is out to get them.
>
>>> Some of us think there is a difference between a particular person
>>> being thinskinned about the word "bro" given with no intention of
>>> harm
>>
>> To you, Miah's being thinskinned. To Miah, it hurts. Which one of
>> you is right? Maybe both of you, but the fact of the matter is that
>> someone still found it hurtful.
>
>  I could find that hot dogs exist to be hurtful and get worked up
> about it. Is it then the problem of the hot dog factory owner? No,
> it's my problem and my issue.
>
>  People take responsibility for their own reactions to things and how
> they live in the world. If something makes me upset, it is on me to
> deal with it, not try to force the world to conform to my feelings.
> Raise awareness? Perhaps. Demanding an apology because someone used
> "bro" in a non-offensive way on an e-mail list? That seems unlikely to
> have real effects. The level of hyperbole (with comments from certain
> persons about being just whiney trans or like whiney woman) is already
> great enough here. This got escalated way too quickly and for no good
> reason because people seem more interested in playing victim than in
> actually understanding what went through the heads of the *assumed*
> offenders (while, at the same time, demanding others understand their
> own point of view absolutely).
>
>> IME/O, the compassionate response to "I find it hurtful when someone
>> calls me 'bro'" is "I'm sorry for calling you something that hurt
>> you, and won't do it in the future." That's it. Acknowledge their
>> personhood and the validity of their feelings, apologise for your
>> error (it's the same kind of "I'm sorry" as "I'm sorry for leaving
>> my cat-hair-covered sweater on your backpack" to a person you didn't
>> know was allergic), and avoid making the error from then on.
>
>  I'm not going to apologize to someone because they cloak themselves
> in the mantle of victimhood and say people hurt them with innocuous
> things. That's on them, not on others.
>
>  It isn't compassionate to enable people in dysfunctional behavior.
> It's just coddling. We're adults here, let's act like it and quit
> being so reactive when someone does something with no intent of harm.
>
>  Al
>
>
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