[Noisebridge-discuss] Be Excellent to one another

[Al Billings]

Ok, I'm going to do my best to respond to this without yanking any  
chains or purposefully being difficult. Please keep that in mind.

On Oct 29, 2009, at 9:23 AM, Miah Johnson wrote:

> Now, you think I'm just playing victim here because I was trolling  
> the fuck out of the list. You are welcome to believe whatever you  
> want and to have whatever opinion you want. I cannot take that away  
> from you. I realize at this point that you may not have been trying  
> to jab me in the ribs. But considering what was going on, it did  
> feel like an attack to me. To me it was along the lines of "shut the  
> fuck up tranny".

  And I am sorry that you felt that way when it was not intended, as  
far as I know, by anyone involved.

  Trolling the list didn't exactly help the situation, which is part  
of what prompted my own response, when it felt like immediate and  
unreasonable demands were being made.

> Ya, I may have overreacted, but try to understand my situation. I  
> face this shit daily, and I don't want to face it here. If I say  
> "hey, what you just said offends me, are you picking on me because  
> I'm trans" I mean it. I'm not going to play that card unless I mean  
> it.

  Ok but then please ask that question (literally) instead of just  
assuming what was said was purposefully meant to offend and  
immediately demanding an apology, which is what you seemed to do  
yesterday. If you don't assume people are trying to shut you up or  
attack you for being trans, they are less likely to be defensive when  
it feels like you jump on their shit for (from their point of view) no  
reason and out of the blue. I do understand that reactions aren't  
always rational or under conscious control though.

> The answers to the questions above?
>
> For the store clerk, I usually do feel like they are doing it on  
> purpose. Yes it affects me, when I'm having a bad week I will  
> probably feel quite down, I have definitely shed many tears over  
> these issues.
>
> For the friend, I don't usually feel they are doing it on purpose,  
> unless it happens multiple times. If it happens more than once I'll  
> generally say something. Either way, yes I notice it. Yes, I have  
> shed tears because of it.
>
> Both situations feel like a huge set back to me. Questions like  
> "what was I doing to make them think 'male'?" or "do people just see  
> me as a huge fucking joke?" are going through my head at the time.
>
> Do you think I want to be posting about this on the list? Do you  
> think I want people to even *know* I'm trans? I wish I could be  
> totally "stealth" about my situation, but I honestly feel it does no  
> good for the community, and I don't want to hide who I am, or my  
> history.
>
> Want another fun story?
>
> On my birthday, after having a awesome lunch with some coworkers I  
> was riding the F line to the GLBT center to pickup my mail. A group  
> of kids sat near me and the train had many people but there were  
> lots of seats empty in other areas. One of the kids sits close to me  
> and starts saying "sir" while looking at me. He says this about 5  
> times, each time saying it louder. I ignore him each time. Finally  
> he stands up, and steps in front of me. He says "Excuse me, are you  
> male or female?" I look at him, and his friends. I replied "I am  
> female". All of his friends have huge smiles on their faces and some  
> are laughing. One of them then comments "Its a dude". At which point  
> all of them start yelling "FAGGOT" at me. This continued for a few  
> minutes, people sat and stared. Nobody did anything. Nobody said  
> anything. At the next stop, they pushed the emergency exit button  
> and left the train. Happy Birthday to me!

  All of this is quite shitty to have to deal with on a daily basis.  
I'm not ever going to have a comparable basis of personal experience  
to understand it on the personal level that you do because, as has  
been pointed out, I'm in the privileged class in pretty much every  
way. I don't think this kind of thing, when done purposefully or  
maliciously, is cool. When it is done without malice due to  
misunderstandings, I'm not sure if there is anything that can be done  
other than raising some sort of awareness, if possible. Not everyone  
who encounters a trans person is going to realize what is up or how to  
properly treat people (just as people who are gay, black, or whatever  
run into issues that aren't purposefully malicious at times). People  
do stupid or mistaken things, often out of ignorance.

  I don't think anyone should feel unwelcome in Noisebridge because  
they are trans, gay, or any other personal factor as long as they  
behave in a way that treats others as equals and have at least the  
minimum of social skills necessary to interact with others. I've met  
you in person several times (as you may or may not recall) and have  
had no issues with you and thought you seemed like a perfectly nice  
and easy to talk to person. I certainly don't want you to feel like a  
pariah because of my actions or those of others.

> Yes, I remember each time I'm mis-gendered, I remember each time  
> somebody calls me a fag. My scar tissue is building up, but I'd  
> rather not have any. When you said "bro" to me, I could only think  
> of all of these things. Even if you have no malice, it forces me to  
> think of all this shit I have to deal with every day. None of you  
> will ever truly understand it, but please try.

  I will do my best (and I do mean that). My previous reaction was as  
much to do with the quick (seeming) escalation of things and what felt  
to me like an overreaction. I do have a better understanding of where  
you are coming from now though.

  Al